All of a sudden, USC has taken to sending me a new piece of mail every other day or so. I used to think MacMall was my biggest admirer, since they send out a new catalogue every three hours, but USC is taking the lead.

I don't know how I feel about this.

In the past, I've complained -- to this blog, anyway -- about feeling a little short on info from my future alma mater. But those were the good old days! Now every time I open my mailbox I have to wonder what new contradictory and/or misleading information I'll find. Some examples from today's "welcome to the production department" newsletter:

Newsletter: suggests buying parking passes
Reality: impossible. I've checked. Sold out. Good luck, sucker. Put your name on an email list and pray a pass comes available...and that you get there fast enough to buy it. I'm pissed off about this. To an exponential degree.

Newsletter: rent in Los Angeles will run more than $500.
Reality: More than $500? $500? Are you high, CNTV? I defy you to find an apartment, much less a house, in a safe neighborhood in Los Angeles, for $500. You MIGHT get a ROOM for $500, but I worry about my out-of-state classmates and where they'll end up living...

Newsletter: B of A is the largest bank in the LA area.
Reality: Probably true, but B of A is also the most evil bank in all of California. Giving them a mention in the newsletter feels like a de facto endorsement.

So I'm troubled. If basic info like this is misleading, what can I expect from future mailings? I mean, I'm lucky. I've been to LA often enough that I at least know my way around the city, and relocating here hasn't been as hard for me as for someone from, say, Connecticut. As bewildered as I feel about starting grad school, I can only imagine the added pressure of feeling completely displaced and lost.

A few tips, should my classmates come across this blog:

Groceries: Ralphs or a Vons generally have the best prices. Get the little bar-code-conspiracy-theory-we're-tracking-what-you-buy card for your keychain. It really does save you a lot of money. For organic stuff, you can do okay at a Trader Joe's. Whole Foods has more, but it's muy expensivo. Avoid Jon's, unless it's your only option. Pavilions is an upscale Vons (same company, higher prices). Gelson's is an expensive private local chain. Good stuff there, but you will pay excessively for it.

Red light cameras at intersections: They're for real. And the ticket is more than $400. Don't screw around with these.

BUY A THOMAS GUIDE.
BUY A THOMAS GUIDE.
BUY A THOMAS GUIDE.
Learn how to read it, and use it. And don't call me for directions if you haven't looked at the Thomas Guide first, 'cause that's fucking irritating.

Save yourself several wasted hours. Make the appoinment at DMV. If you're getting a CA driver's license, get the study guide and STUDY that bad boy. Seriously. The written test is HARD, and the DMV folks are not lenient. (Frankly, it's hard to believe that everyone on the road has passed the test, given the spectacular displays of idiocy you see on any given day, but there you have it.) Study. You'll thank me for not having to return to the DMV for a re-test, I promise. I know, you're thinking, "how hard could it be?" Take my word for it: hard.

Cingular wireless in Los Angeles sucks. Crappy coverage, lots of dropouts. Consistently indifferent customer service. Try Verizon or Nextel.

At some point during your sojourn here, you WILL be in a car accident. Guaranteed. I like to call this theory the "LA county simplified law of probabilities": more cars = more opportunities for collision. Make sure your insurance is adequate -- make double-sure that you're covered if the other guy ISN'T. Hit-and-runs are common, and if your car gets trashed beyond driveability, you're doomed. Mass transit in Los Angeles is a cruel joke.

This is a basic tenet of your new Los Angeles religion: There is no reliable time to take the 405 freeway. Ever. No matter what the hour. If time is not an issue, feel free! Find out what the locals already know: the 405 is a seductive beast that will turn on you faster than a doberman bitch in heat. I've been stopped dead for more than an hour on the 405 on six separate occasions. Three of them were after midnight. Two were on weekend nights. And I've been substantially delayed most other times. I can count on one hand the number of times I've had a clear run on the 405. No exaggeration. The 405 sucks. There is no reliable time to take the 405. Ever. Amen.

Those are some basics. More when I think of 'em.